Practicing Radical Acceptance in southeast asian communities
While each story is unique, many of us across the Southeast Asian diaspora share a common challenge: making sense of painful realities that we inherited, experienced, or continue to navigate today as descendents of war-torn countries. This is where the therapeutic practice called radical acceptance becomes especially relevant. Radical acceptance invites us to acknowledge what is true, even when it is painful, so that we can (re)direct our energy toward healing rather than remaining stuck in the struggle against things that cannot be changed.
MY STORY
I remember struggling so much in my Asian American Studies graduate school program, as mental/emotional and spiritual wounds opened up the more I learned about my people’s background and history as a daughter of Lao Isaan refugees. The more I learned, the more heartbreak and grief I experienced and had nowhere to process not only the deep sadness, but the anger, disappointment and perhaps resentment towards past educational systems and structures that did not give me the opportunity to learn about my family’s political history earlier in life.
And as I was learning, my mind would constantly start racing, ruminating on the past and I would hear thoughts like: “they should have taught me about the Secret War in Laos earlier” and considered the difference it would have made in terms of how I showed up for my family instead of running away from personal issues at home. I only knew that my refugee parents worked extremely hard, sacrificed a whole lot and were therefore, intensely strict on us (their children) as the first to be raised in a foreign country and not just any foreign country… but the United States of America.
I was born as the 2nd child, eldest daughter amongst 3 boy siblings and as you can imagine, all the pressure to fit into the “girl role” at home was enormous and it left me with loads of resentment not only towards my brothers, but my mother, who had high expectations for me to perform “duty” and service to my dad, brothers and “future husband.” If my mom wasn’t available to take care of my baby brother, it was my responsibility. I became the 2nd mother and essentially a parentified child at 12 years old without anyone asking me how I felt about it. I tried to understand the best I could, but just internalized my struggle as if this was just “what we do in the name of family” and we definitely don’t talk about family issues publicly because it would bring shame and make us “lose face.”
This was the beginning of me normalizing painful survival instincts as a daughter of Southeast Asian refugees from war-torn countries.
WHAT IS RADICAL ACCEPTANCE?
It wasn’t until years later I learned that these stories are not unique to me nor my family. That countless Southeast Asians across the globe are navigating the complex, multi-hyphenated roles placed upon them as daughters, sons, caregivers, translators/ interpreters, culture-bearers, and cycle-breakers, while also carrying the lasting impacts of war, displacement, intergenerational trauma, family separation, fear of authority, and extreme poverty.
Not to blame our families, but some of us thought that maybe if we forget about the war… and maybe if we just don’t talk about it… then it never happened, right? Kind of like if we pretend that something isn’t there, then maybe it won’t affect us. It almost sounds like you’re sitting in a burning house without acknowledging that the house is burning down and expecting everything to be OK. This may be a silly metaphor, but so many of us who survived war and are left to deal with intergenerational trauma might actually relate to this rationale, mostly because we weren’t offered any tools on how to address these types of mental/emotional/spiritual wounds.
This is where practicing radical acceptance is key. In order to address the burning house, we need to first acknowledge the reality that it is burning, in order to get a fire extinguisher to put out all the fires and return to safety. I start off with an example because some of our brains need a visual to understand how emotions and trauma work.
Another way to apply radical acceptance is that we could wish that the atrocities of war never happened, and I could also wish that I was not born as the eldest daughter, but those thoughts overlook the reality of what has happened to me and my family. So instead of resisting what is, radical acceptance is about redirecting our energy from “trying to change the past” and shifting towards healing, growth, repair and ultimately individual and collective liberation.
WHAT DOES RADICAL ACCEPTANCE LOOK LIKE IN PRACTICE?
Radical acceptance is not a single moment of letting go, but an ongoing practice of learning how to move through and address painful feelings without letting them dictate every aspect of our lives. For me, a good marker of when to practice radical acceptance is:
You’ve experienced a sense of loss and/or trauma.
You hate something about your life and have a hard time accepting it.
You usually try to problem-solve/fix your way out of uncomfortable feelings instead of sitting with it, which usually is about avoiding rather than healing the thing that’s causing you pain in the first place.
Another way to look at radical acceptance is seeing it through a lens of self-compassion AND also radical acknowledgement. When we acknowledge something, we don’t try to fight it but we become nonjudgemental observers of our own lives and are able to come to the conclusion that the thing we might not like actually exists.
An important catch of radical acceptance is also understanding that acceptance does not mean you agree or approve of what has happened or give up on the fight for change, but it is truly about taking the first step to face the harsh reality for what it is.
So after you decide when is a good time to practice radical acceptance, we can move through the practice in 4 stages:
state the facts:
First, assume the observer role of your own life and remind yourself what the reality is and what happened without trying to change anything.
“My Southeast Asian refugee parents survived an entire war and moved to a foreign country with nothing but the clothes on their backs.”
“I was born as the 2nd eldest child and only daughter in my immediate family.”
Next, let go of any thoughts that use the phrase(s) “should/shouldn’t be” or “fair/unfair.”
For example: shift from “the war should never have happened” to “the Secret War in Laos happened and I am upset about it.”
Keep in mind that stating the facts can include you not liking the reality or wishing things were different. Be tender with yourself while doing this.
“I hate that as the eldest daughter born into this family, I was pushed to have an enormous amount of responsibility at a very young age.”
Feel it in order to heal it
When you experience any type of loss whether that is a loved one (family/friends/animal companions), or you don’t get what you want, or life outcomes are different than what you expected…there comes grief. You might have heard the saying that the only way out is through, and it applies here too. The only way we can feel better is if we grieve first, in order to begin the healing process.
Allow yourself to express grief in whatever form it needs to express itself such as crying or practicing movement in your body. A lot of Southeast Asian cultures also have spiritual and religious Buddhist practices that have specific chants we repeat collectively in order to move emotional energy through and out of the body.
Express your grief through an artform (i.e. painting, drawing, singing) or you may decide to journal about it. It might help to see your thoughts outside of your head and begin to feel more manageable because you can create space between yourself and distressing thoughts (that sometimes don’t belong to you).
Practice acceptance through embodied healing!
Our bodies hold trillions of neurons that communicate signals to each other every second. We can hold our bodies in certain ways that embody the idea of acceptance such as uncrossing your arms, placing your hands open in your lap, or practicing the progressive muscle relaxation exercise.
Practice deep belly breaths and/or paced breathing.
Engage in mindful moving techniques and stay off your phone so you can truly feel what is needed to feel without any distractions.
Finally, be patient, tender and gentle with yourself
Focus on baby steps and practice accepting small things and/or one thing at a time. Acceptance does not have to be a grand gesture and forgiveness does not happen overnight.
Take as many breaks as you need to, especially when the feeling becomes too overwhelming where it gets hard to do this practice.
Remind yourself that you are doing the best and that acceptance is necessary for big or even small changes to happen. Life is worth living even through painful moments of your life.
And lastly, use a variety of grounding skills from your toolbox. And if one self-soothing technique doesn’t work, try another one or do it a different day! You deserve to go at your own pace and be in your own timeline of healing. Remember, healing is not linear, nor is it something we need to problem-solve or fix!